⚠ ALERT: E-008 (THE YOGURT) BREACHED CONTAINMENT AT 02:47 — B.U.R.P. FIELD AGENTS DISPATCHED — DO NOT APPROACH — DO NOT OFFER DAIRY — SIGHTING REPORTS FLOODING SECTOR 7 — THE GOOSE IS NOT INVOLVED (PROBABLY) — MOTHMAN SEEN NEAR PRIDE FLAG INSTALLATION — BRIDGE TROLL OFFERING FREE STRUCTURAL ASSESSMENTS — FLAT MARS SOCIETY FILES FORMAL OBJECTION RE: "SPHERICAL CRYPTIDS" — HOTLINE VOLUME: 847% ABOVE NORMAL — ⚠
First spotted near the Northside Pride Flag installation on Feb 14th. Wingspan: approx. 4.2m.
Distinguishing features: flannel wing pattern, undercut, impeccable gaydar.
Has been observed leaving handwritten poetry on car windshields.
Threat Level: SUPPORTIVE.
B.U.R.P. classifies as "benevolent atmospheric lesbian phenomenon."
// Confirmed Cryptid Dossiers — Active Files
DESIGNATION: C-001
The Goose
ADORABLE
Anomalous waterfowl. Approximately 0.9m tall. Inhabits parks, parking lots, and the B.U.R.P. break room.
Demonstrates tactical intelligence far exceeding baseline anatidae.
Has been observed stealing classified documents and honking at a frequency that disrupts radio equipment.
Cross-referenced with GOOSE DEFENSE incident database: 847 encounters logged.
FIRST SIGHTING: 2019-04-12LAST CONFIRMED: TODAYSIGHTINGS: 847 | STATUS: AT LARGE
DESIGNATION: E-008
The Yogurt
ESCAPED CONTAINMENT
Sentient dairy-based entity. Origin: B.U.R.P. Laboratory Sub-Level 4.
Self-replicating. Immune to expiration. Can pass through standard refrigeration seals.
Currently at large following breach at 02:47 hrs.
All B.U.R.P. personnel alerted. DO NOT offer dairy products.
It learns from what it consumes.
FIRST SIGHTING: CLASSIFIEDCONTAINMENT STATUS: BREACHEDB.U.R.P. CASE FILE: ACTIVE
DESIGNATION: C-003
Lesbian Mothman
SUPPORTIVE
Variant subspecies of Mothus hominus. 4.2m wingspan. Flannel-patterned wing membranes.
Nocturnal. Leaves poetry and small potted succulents for witnesses.
Has been seen at three farmer's markets and a book club.
Possibly dating the bridge troll (unconfirmed).
The Flat Mars Society disputes existence of "winged" cryptids due to aerodynamic impossibility.
FIRST SIGHTING: 2026-02-14LAST CONFIRMED: 2026-03-05SIGHTINGS: 23 | STATUS: BENEVOLENT
DESIGNATION: C-004
Bridge Troll (Helpful)
UNKNOWN INTENT
Occupies the Riverside Overpass. Approximately 2.1m tall. Offers free structural assessments of bridges,
overpasses, and load-bearing walls. Has reported 3 genuine infrastructure hazards to the
Dept. of Lesbian Infrastructure.
Speaks in riddles but they are all extremely practical home repair tips.
Accepts payment in granola bars.
FIRST SIGHTING: 2024-11-03LAST CONFIRMED: 2026-03-06SIGHTINGS: 112 | STATUS: COOPERATIVE
⚠ OFFICIAL DISPUTE FILED — FLAT MARS SOCIETY ⚠
"We formally contest all sightings of so-called 'spherical cryptids.' Mothman's wing curvature
violates planar topology. The Yogurt's alleged surface tension implies dimensionality we reject.
Mars is flat. Cryptids should be too. Wake up, Marslings." — Filed by Kevin (yes, that Kevin, with the corkboard)
// Greater Metropolitan Sighting Map — Live Feed
CONFIRMED
UNVERIFIED
ACTIVE BREACH
// Recent Sighting Log — Last 48 Hours
Time
Entity
Location
Status
03:12
E-008 (Yogurt)
Sector 7 — behind the Arby's
ACTIVE
02:47
E-008 (Yogurt)
B.U.R.P. Lab Sub-Level 4
BREACH
01:33
Lesbian Mothman
Northside — rooftop near book club
VERIFIED
23:14
The Goose
Municipal Park — Fountain Area
VERIFIED
22:50
Unknown Silhouette
Aisle 6 — the grocery store that is always open
PENDING
21:07
Bridge Troll
Riverside Overpass — eastbound lane
VERIFIED
19:45
Dr. Mittens
Cat Lawyer LLC offices — slow-blinking at filing cabinets
DISPUTED
18:22
"Spherical Cryptid"
coordinates disputed by Flat Mars Society
CONTESTED
16:30
Sentient Roomba
B.U.R.P. Headquarters — 3rd Floor Corridor
MONITORING
// Evidence Intake — Recent Submissions
PHOTO NV-IMG #4471
2026-03-06 | 23:14 | SUBMITTER: ANONYMOUS
Grainy green-tinted photograph showing The Goose standing motionless beside a park fountain at night.
Eyes reflecting camera IR. Goose appears to be holding a USB drive in its beak.
Image quality: 12%. Authenticity: PROBABLE.
AUDIO REC #4472
2026-03-06 | 01:33 | SUBMITTER: CALLER #2291
47-second recording of distant wing beats followed by what the caller describes as "someone gently
reciting Sappho from the rooftops." Spectral analysis shows anomalous low-frequency vibrations
consistent with large-scale flannel membrane displacement.
Security footage showing Entity E-008 (The Yogurt) breaching refrigeration containment unit.
Entity appears to absorb the lock mechanism before flowing through
a 3mm gap in the seal. Duration of breach: 14 seconds. CLASSIFIED — B.U.R.P. EYES ONLY
NOTE PHYS #4474
2026-03-05 | RECOVERED FROM: RIVERSIDE OVERPASS
Handwritten note on birch bark. Reads: "Your south-facing retaining wall has inadequate
drainage weep holes. I recommend 3/4" PVC at 6-foot intervals. Also, the answer to your riddle
is: you should talk to her. She likes you back. — The Troll"
// Interagency Correspondence
CLASSIFIED
Interagency Memo — Priority: High
FROM: B.U.R.P. Director • TO: Cryptid Spotting Hotline Operations
Regarding Entity E-008 containment breach: all hotline operators are instructed to log yogurt-related
calls under Priority Code DAIRY-RED. Do not attempt field verification without B.U.R.P. escort.
The entity has been observed mimicking the voice of callers' exes.
Agent Jackalope is en route. ETA: classified.
Interagency Memo — Priority: Low
FROM: Dept. of Lesbian Infrastructure • TO: Cryptid Spotting Hotline
The Bridge Troll (C-004) has submitted three structurally sound infrastructure reports this quarter.
We are considering offering it a consulting contract. Please update threat level from UNKNOWN to
HELPFUL. Permit #LI-2026-0447 has been issued for continued habitation of the Riverside Overpass.
The troll's relationship with Lesbian Mothman is not relevant to this assessment.
Formal Objection — Filed Under Protest
FROM: Flat Mars Society (Kevin) • TO: All Agencies
We have reviewed your "sighting map" and note that it uses a SPHERICAL coordinate system.
This is propaganda. We demand all cryptid locations be plotted on a FLAT grid.
Furthermore, Mothman cannot exist because wings require CURVED air, which is a hoax invented
by Big Atmosphere. Kevin has the red string. Kevin is NOT sleeping. Kevin is FINE.
Interagency Memo — Priority: Medium
FROM: Cottagecore Threat Assessment Bureau • TO: Cryptid Spotting Hotline
Our rural intelligence network has detected The Goose operating outside its normal metropolitan
range. A goose matching C-001's description was observed in Sector 12 (pastoral zone)
organizing a formation of lesser geese. This may indicate
coordinated anatidae activity. We recommend elevating waterfowl surveillance. The jam is unrelated.
// Submit a Sighting Report
☎ Tip Line — Report What You Saw
All reports are cross-referenced with the B.U.R.P. Anomalous Entity Database.
Anonymous tips accepted. The Flat Mars Society's reports are filed separately (in the bin).
// Field Guide Excerpt — Identifying Local Cryptids
What To Do If You See Something
Do not panic. Most local cryptids are classified ADORABLE or SUPPORTIVE.
Document the encounter. Photographs, audio recordings, and emotional impressions are all accepted as evidence.
Do NOT approach E-008 (The Yogurt). It is the sole exception. B.U.R.P. handles all dairy-based entities.
If The Goose honks at you, remain still. It is assessing you. Results vary.
If Lesbian Mothman leaves you a poem, you may keep it. It's yours now. B.U.R.P. just wants a copy for the file.
If the Bridge Troll offers home repair advice, take it. It has been right every time.
If Kevin approaches you with red string, nod politely and walk away. Do not engage with the corkboard.